I'm Losing myself trying to compete..

I’ve been having nightmares again recently and awful anxiety.which makes it hard to do anything. it’s so frustrating!I don’t know what to do. Suggestions gratefully accepted. I have the hardest time sleeping and all I have to say is I better not be about to go into a depression again because it feels like I just barely got over that. Also remember how I stopped driving a few weeks ago because my eyesight got really bad? Well I went and had an eye exam and got a new prescription like last week but my glasses probably won’t be in until next week so I’ve had pretty bad headaches to deal with too.

This baby is soooo funny! Fake sneezing.haha. this seems to be her new thing. She’s been copying us a lot more recently and this started after she watched me sneeze this morning.my favorite part though is she does this even when she’s the one that sneezes..

Can’t catch a break

I feel like my family just can’t catch a break. My life is the gigantic-ist roller coaster ever and its honestly so exhausting always going through so much. Especially so these last ten months. I just have to pray that everything is going to work out the way we want it to and that we’ll be able to adopt Peace & make it all official and have her be ours forever but we still don’t even know what’s happening with that either.I was let go from my many job due to financial issues the family team into, & I kind of decided to quit going to counseling without telling anyone a couple months ago but then my therapist ended up calling me this week & now I have to go back after like 2 months ish & I’m super emotional about it, & I don’t know how to feel & I’ve got so damn much going on right now, my head feels like it’s on overdrive and its going to explode art any second and nobody I can talk to and I just want to shut down for these next few months…also to top everything off my eyesight has gotten drastically worse & everything’s really blurry even with my glasses and its scaring me so I can’t even drive anymore because I honestly can’t see the road signs or traffic lights or anything.. I feel like I’ve been blind sighted by some stuff when I thought it was finally going good and its really hard to process everything because I want everything to work out.

alt-j:

wheelcher2:

alt-j:

how much water is too much water

15 water bottles can cause water intoxication and can lead to death

15 water bottles is too much water

Suicidal week.

This week was a really hard one. Last Friday I had therapy & I shut down and was basically trying to dissociate before my therapist even started talking to me. & I was so angry. But I didn’t even understand why, like I literally just wanted to yell at my therapist for no reason.which of course I didn’t. I just sat there and kind of just left the room through dissociation and didn’t say barely anything.& my mind was going twelve thousand miles per minute & I wanted to hurt myself. So after that I went shopping to help myself feel better but it didn’t work really. But that night while I was lying in bed I looked at the date and finally figured out what was wrong which was a huge relief because I was starting to think I needed to go to like a hospital or something & was really scared but I knew that wasn’t an option because if I got committed we’d lose Peace and I’d never be able to live with myself. I was so lost on what was going on and what to do. So when I looked at the date I knew I’d be alright if I could just get through the week. This past week was the ten year anniversary of when I told my parents about my older half brother sexually abusing me. Every year around the middle of May like the 16th through the 23rd but even more so on the 17th-19th.I get really depressed and have suicidal thoughts & usually get really sick from the stress & tension levels. Saturday: I took peace to a birthday party & did alright,Sunday: I thought I was going to die from just how bad my anxiety was. Church has sort of always been one of my few triggers that I have, My triggers that i know of are pretty much him,overalls,church, and the song the reason by hoobastank so if I had a choice you can very well guarantee that I would not have gone to church during my anniversary week but I had to because I was teaching the lesson in my primary class. Which was stupid because honestly I’m very angry & sort of resentful towards god right now & seriously struggling in that area of life especially.so Sunday was a bit rough and I was kind of getting looks of pity because people just thought I was nervous to teach the lesson but honestly I was just trying to keep myself alive. I don’t particularly remember anything eventful on Mon or tues. So I guess they were alright. Wednesday was another story. I had the worst day possible. I had to work(I’m a nanny) I wasn’t feeling the greatest because one of my friends was opening her missing call that night so I was really nervous to go to that and see people I hadn’t in a long time & I had a feeling I’d get ignored which I wouldn’t be able to handle during my anniversary week. The kids thank Goodness weren’t fussy that day. But in the course of the ten hours I was working I managed to break a plate, cut myself, break my fingernail pretty bad, stub my toe, & twist my ankle. I was in an awful mood. I got off a little early so I went home before going to the mission call opening and got peace to take with me so I’d at least have someone to talk to. I just had a feeling I needed her that night and I’m so glad I listened. So we went and mostly i was just ignored. Finally she opened her call & was talking to everyone else and hugging them andwalked right past me & I felt like I was gunna lose it so I left without saying bye or anything,to see if she’d even notice or if my heart was right and she didn’t care about me like she used to & that she had new friends,i put peace in her carseat and drove away. Then I lost it and had to pull over and have a mental breakdown because I couldn’t believe everything that had happened & I was hyperventilating and bawling my eyes out and wanted to die. I turned off the car and just sat there crying. TWENTY MINUTES after I left I get a text from my friend saying where’d you go? I was so upset. I sat there with peace in the backseat sleeping and cried for like half an hour and then drove home through blurry tear filled eyes. So I finally get to where my mom’s calmed me down a bit after my brother went to get really concerned about me & I’m lying in bed because I have another 10 hr shift the next day & I get a text from the kids mom saying that she can’t find their dog anywhere & asking if I took him off his chain. I felt sick. Their dog got out because of me and that was just one more thing to add to my awful day. Thursday the kids were super fussy they wouldn’t listen and were into everything. The dog still gone and I was ready to die.I can’t even explain how bad I feel that their dog got out because of me. Friday: thank God I didn’t work. Friday was alright. And I got a text saying someone found their dog. & suicidal anniversary week is over.Yay!! It’s crazy how bad my anniversary weeks are but already I can recognize it now and just deal with getting through it. I think I’m getting much stronger which feels like a great accomplishment to me even though to others it seems stupid or effortless.I made it through another year!!

I just feel really off balance. I feel like I need to talk to a doctor about it because I can’t take this happening but I don’t have one and my mom won’t let me get on medication anyways and I’d have to use their insurance.so I’m just alone.plus I don’t want to do anything too jeopardize my being able to serve a mission in a year..

I’ve been doing so incredibly well but last Saturday I had a set back and now I feel like a failure. I didn’t get to bed until like 4:30 am and woke up a few hours later to go with the sister missionaries to the salt lake temple to watch general conf. And on the Trax on our way I had the worst anxiety attack of my life. My hands literally went paralyzed and I couldn’t move them and it was one of the scariest moments of my life. I felt so stupid and pathetic once I was finally a little bit okay. But I just haven’t been the same since. Everything I worked so hard for and how well my mindset was doing like disappeared. I’m having issues eating, I’m super depressed, I feel worthless, having bad thoughts and I can’t even take a picture of myself without being disgusted. Ugh! I don’t know what to do😭😭😭😭